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Exquisitely Baked Satire

Saudi King Axes Beheadings For Toes



Filed under : Oven Fresh

(freshrant.com) Attempting to stem the tide of growing citizen unrest amidst a growing number of regional uprisings, Saudi’s King Abdullah has just announce sweeping judicial reforms.

In a just released royal decree, translated from the Arabic loosely translated as “Cutting Back On Cutting Backs,”  the wide-ranging document focuses on beheadings, along with the chopping off of limbs, fingers, ears, and noses, with special attention giving to toes.

The uncharacteristically candid reforms also touch on the do’s and dont’s of torture etiquette surrounding the sensitive subject of the glans penis, or schlong helmet.

What surely must be a relief to the nascent Saudi women’s movement, the new rules state the female victim requires only three male witnesses to confirm a rape.   If found guilty of having been raped, the woman will be punished with 100 lashes instead of the typical 200 for “meeting a man in a place where bad things could happen.”  In a startlingly beneficent reversal of standard procedure, a raped woman could even go free if she decides not to hire a lawyer to prosecute the rapist.

Also announced in the muti-page text were procedures about the phasing in of “tiered decapitations”, involving a step-by-step approach of first hacking off the ears and nose, followed by gouging out the eyes and tongue topped off with the removal of “what remains of the cranial stem.”

In a show of His Majesty’s compassion, most of the recipient’s blood will be removed before the “procedure to make the public chop chop less gruesome for family members.”

Perhaps the most revealing item involved His Highness’s reported fondness for the well-turned foot.  He has banished the chopping off all pedal extremities.  In all upcoming cases of “negligent and foot loose behavior.”  the wrong-doer’s naughty foot will be twisted 180 degrees, allowing him to walk away a free man.

A rare display of the king’s humor was revealed when he jokingly referred to this particular punishment as “being reversible but never reversed.”

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3 Responses to “Saudi King Axes Beheadings For Toes”

  1. Wendolyn Marzili says:

    Finally a blog that didnt contradict it self, amazing writing. :)

  2. Ole Miss Student says:

    To confirm that she willingly committed adultery. That would be the “translated from the Arabic loosely” when you stated “the new rules state the female victim requires only three male witnesses to confirm a rape.”. If your intention was to share information, then it is worth sharing information correctly.

  3. freshrant says:

    Ole Miss Student, May I refer you to the banner on the homepage, “Exquisitely Baked Satire” is the intention. But within the satire, one would hope all readers understand the barbaric nature of the punishment.

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