Exquisitely Baked Satire

One More Sexist Homophobe Crowned Pope

Filed under : Oven Fresh


(  One of the thousands packed into St. Peter’s Square at Pope Francis’ inaugural mass could hardly contain his excitement, “We’re really stoked!  My friends and I are into gay bashing, so we’re feeling pretty freakin’ awesome about the pope’s strong anti-gay stance, so after communion, we’re ready to kick some sorry faggot ass!”

A woman attending the inauguration of the pope with her large family gushed, “We are absolutely ecstatic even though he doesn’t want us to use any contraceptives and says we could go to hell if we do!   And when you think all the people throughout the world that will be giving birth to unwanted babies and with the added bonus of millions more contracting sexually-transmitted diseases like AIDS, why wouldn’t we be ecstatic?”

Vatican watchers say a small ad posted in the Catholic Times reveals the extent of the conclave of cardinals dilemma in choosing the next pope since technically, any priest is eligible to be chosen as pope.   One of the cardinals revealed the conclave was looking for someone to lead a major world religion while possessing all the cunning and guile to head a major criminal money laundering enterprise.  

The ad asks that the candidate for pope, “be good at keeping secrets, willing to break laws, harbor rapists and pedophiles.  Homosexual homophobes a plus.  The pope-to-be must believe birth control is a sin, but should think it’s just fine to go bareback even if it spreads AIDS throughout entire continents.”

The ad had been placed under the “Vintage Costumes” section of the paper, began invitingly, “Wanted, a mature male who can carry off wearing elaborate robes, funny tall hats and red Prada shoes all the while appearing serious and dignified.” 

One cardinal opened up saying, “Drag queens were encouraged to apply.”


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