Exquisitely Baked Satire

Zimmerman Forced To Shoot Black Toddler

Filed under : Oven Fresh



(freshrant) BREAKING: George Zimmerman was briefly detained today for shooting a black male toddler attempting to flee in a stroller that Zimmerman claims concealed “a highly weaponized sidewalk.”

Zimmerman claims he yelled at the still unidentified male baby to stop threatening him with a long expanse of concrete.  The baby, who Zimmerman reported as “acting too big for his onesie,” refused to stop.

A recording of a neighbor’s 9-1-1 call to Sanford police revealed what sounds in the background to be a baby crying.  But Zimmerman and the entire Sanford police department agree it sounded more like the frantic screaming of a 29 year old coward.

Sanford police are also awaiting a toxicology report to determine the baby’s blood alcohol content.  An unlabeled plastic bottle filled with a white liquid found inside the baby’s stroller added to the mystery of the tiny suspect’s true intentions.

Police have also asked for tests to see if any drugs might have played a role in the suspect’s suspicious behavior and to help explain why the toddler refused to talk.

Mark O’Mara, Zimmerman’s attorney, said, “I think that George feels truly in his heart that if he did not have that weapon he might not be here to tell any more of his stories,” O’Mara said. “Without that trusty little pistol of his, George would have continued to have felt uncomfortable with that toddler’s inappropriate stares.  I truly believe that if George had been lucky to have been born black, he wouldn’t have had to scream since a white baby would never have made him feel like he was forced to protect himself.  And while we don’t know the suspect’s age, let’s face it, in another 17 years or so, he would have been another grown black male openly threatening us with sidewalks.”

After undergoing an interrogation by the Sanford police that Zimmerman would later describe as “really stressful,” the newly freed man said he would be heading to Disney World to visit Frontierland’s Indian Village as soon as he buys a few more rounds of ammo.

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