Exquisitely Baked Satire

Paula Deen Named Zimmerman’s Chef

Filed under : Oven Fresh

(Special to Freshrant)  Sanford, FL   A source within the Zimmerman family compound has revealed that Paula Dean was hired last fall to “fatten up” Trayvon Martin’s murderer while he was waiting trial to make him appear “more cuddly.”

“Yeah, she was really busy when we hired her,” said the source, “but now she’s full time back at the house cooking up a storm.”

The source revealed that the family agreed that there was “no one more likely to ‘pork George up’ more than Dean.”

“Unfortunately,” the source mused, “George just got meaner looking as he put on his 100 plus pounds.  To soften his menacing corpulent presence, we are thinking of dressing him up in a onesie for upcoming court appearances.”

Using air quotes, the Zimmerman source said, “Besides, given Dean’s ‘philosophy’ we all felt it would lighten up the mood hearing Paula’s jokes about the Old South as she cooked up large portions of cornpone, pork neck,  grits and (Zimmerman’s favorite) whole tubs of Paula Dean’s line of Southern Grillin’ flavored butter.”

“Paula would have George doubled over with laughter with her in her face, ‘I is what I is,’ humor.   As Paula put it, ‘Like George, ain’t nothin’ like fried, died and tossed to the side.'”

[When Dean was reached later and asked what she meant by this comment, she replied, “Of course I was only talkin’ bout the dark meat  in my fried chicken recipe.  It is what it is, y’all.  I ain’t a gonna change,” said the tearful queen of Southern cooking.”]

The Zimmerman family source continued, “It’s really unfair the pounding she’s been taking in the press since she always hired Black folk to bring in most of the food she served.   And I’d like to add, in her favor she was always discreet about that, making sure the Blacks brought everything in the back entrance so they wouldn’t feel like they were doing all the work or had to cook where they might be uncomfortable. And that was a precautionary measure as well.”

When questioned further what the family source meant by ‘precautionary,’ he said, “We never really knew where George would be in the house so we didn’t want him accidentally accused of a shooting charge on some trumped up CWB.”

Asked what a CWB was, the source said, “You know.  Cooking While Black.”




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