(Phoenix) In a move that surprised even her harshest critics, Governor Jan Brewer of Arizona announced in front of a specially called all-white session of the Arizona legislature that she saw no reason to continue to hide her racially pure ambitions to win re-election this fall.
“Yes, the immigration bill we passed requiring the coloreds to carry papers along with the passage of a white-only ethnic studies education bill was a bit snarky,” admitted the self-described all natural “upstairs-downstairs blond”. “You know the old saying, ‘Not all Republicans are racists, but if you’re a racist, odds are good you’re a Republican!” Brewer laughed, then delivering the line that brought thunderous applause from the all white, elderly male legislators, many rising to their feet assisted by their undocumented Hispanic man servants. “I’m here to say, ‘We’re loud and we’re proud! We’re white and we’re right! It’s time to return the great state of Arizona to its roots.”
When a reporter later mentioned to the governor that Arizona’s population was largely Hispanic, and Native American before that going back to the Paleolithic era, Brewer scoffed. “More like the pale epic period, when Adam and Eve roamed the Grand Canyon with the dinosaurs and those flying lizard birds from Jurassic Park with a name only my grandson can pronounce. The liberal media’s attempts at your kind of divisive propaganda is precisely why we voted out all those colored ethnic studies programs and are now fighting for the removal of ‘foreign accents’ in our schools.”
What Brewer calls her ambitious “twin cattle prod plan” to secure the border includes the construction of a twenty foot tall electric fence topped with razor-wire to surround state followed by forced removals of those with a skin color darker than Crayola’s Sunset Pearl.” Just think of us decorating the state of Arizona in calming and tasteful skin hues, minus the earth tones. To avoid further controversy and to “prove that we’re not profiling”, we’ll be providing law enforcement with color swatches to determine the difference between suspicious and auspicious skin tones. It will be just like going to Home Depot, only minus the illegal immigrants standing in the parking lot waiting for a day job,” said, Brewer, causing gales of laughter in the legislative hall among the deep gasping from those assisted by portable breathing machines.
Brewer concluded her announcement with a warning to whites that they should be sure to wear hats and use lots of sunblock in the hot Arizona sun so as not to be “out of compliance”. To avoid confusion, citizens suffering from jaundice will be required to travel with a note from a physician while those with vitiligo will not.
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