freshrant

Exquisitely Baked Satire

GOP Chair Smuggles for Street Cred



(Washington, DC) Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele has been charged in the contraband bust of world-famous rapper, Lil Wayne, now serving a one year sentence on a weapons-related charge at New York’s Riker’s Island Penitentiary.

The freshly tatted Steele appeared briefly to speak with reporters in front of RNC headquarters in DC sporting a fresh pair of Chuck Taylors, a turquoise Lacoste shirt over a wife beater T, Enyce’s Pants-On-The-Ground plaid shorts, heavy rapper-style jewelry and a G-Unit baseball cap flipped to the side. Steele, who now only answers to “FoSho”, and speaks in a style he describes as coming from “tha hood”, told reporters, “Seein’ LW’s final pop at Jay-Z’s Madison Square Garden concert last winter, it sunk in somfin real deep that the world be missin’ dat, ya hear me? Weezy ain’t no gangsta. A player? Hell, ya, he a playa. He be cuttin’ back a fat split wiv me at tha crib or on his bus sometime. But homie OG, not Phresh G.”

When one reporter asked if Steele’s motives in smuggling an i-Pod into Lil Wayne’s cell had anything to do with trying to increase Republican Party credibility among young people, Steele snapped back, “Weezy be needin tha beats.  I just be sho’in some slum love, ‘n if my peeps give FoSho some cred for taken some lead, aight.  ‘I feel like a black Republican.  Tote a MAC’n Republican.'”   Steele laughed, ignoring a reporter who reminded him that he had never been shot.

At a later hearing, Steele seemed confused after having being charged with smuggling contraband. When he refused to be released on his own recognizance, Steele told the judge, “I don’t wanna be recognized, I wanna be euthanized.” When the judge told Steele that euthanized meant being put to death, Steele said he meant, “I jus wanna have my homies say somfin nice bout me when imma gone.” The visibly irritated judge told Steele “the word is ‘eulogized’ Mr. Steele.” Embarrassed, Steele voluntarily posted a $10,000 bond anyway, still seeming not to understand he was free to go, claiming, “It’s all bout tha Benjamins”, flashing three or four $10 bills in the air.

Steele later told reporters upon leaving the courtroom that he wasn’t worried about losing his job with the GOP, citing how he still was allowed to keep his job after a few of his Republican National Committee staffers were caught using funds to entertain clients at a LA bondage-themed lesbian strip club. “You buggin’! Those sorry crackers don’t dare fire my ass, ‘n they sure as hell can’t vote me out. Imma only brotha those Republicans got. I’m their Martin Luther King Junior Junior!”

Walking out of the courthouse, Steele was asked how he was able to smuggle the tiny i-Pod into the penitentiary at Riker’s Island that had been found in Lil Wayne’s possession. Steele, flashed his new fully grilled-out grin, “Let’s just be keeping that a secret where tha sun don’t shine. Ya feel me?”

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44 Responses to “GOP Chair Smuggles for Street Cred”

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