freshrant

Exquisitely Baked Satire

Supreme Court Rules John McCain President



 

(freshrant.com) In a close 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Senator John McCain winner of the 2008 presidential election.  The ruling is seen by legal scholars as a wildly unprecedented, especially for those who had not yet heard the news that it was the Supreme Court that decided the 2000 presidential election.

The office of Associate Justice, Antonin Scalia, released a statement saying, “After failing to shank ObamaCare with my verbal scapel, it feels good to put another presidential election notch on the girdle underneath my supremely flowing robe.”

John McCain was reportedly ecstatic at the news of the ruling, tweeting, “I’d like to personally thank the five members of the court for finally figuring out a way for me to become president of the United States of,”  the statement cutting short as the newly selected president reached his 140 character limit.

Writing on behalf of the majority opinion, Justice Antonin Scalia stated, “The court is acting magnanimously by agreeing to a modern constitutional reading allowing black men and women the right to vote, including those who don’t own property. But it is indisputable that drawing on the original intent of the constitution, the black vote should only be allowed to count as 3/5 of the white vote.”

In one of the more controversial passages in the majority ruling, Scalia noted, “As in the landmark Bush v Gore decision of 2000, in no way should this ruling be misconstrued as a legal precedent, in case of the highly unlikely event that a black man or woman would run for president of the United States on the Republican ticket.  (Condoleezza…hint…hint.)”

Court observers were surprised to learn the court’s first sitting black justice, Clarence Thomas, offered no comment on the controversial ruling.  However, Thomas was acknowledged at the conclusion of the opinion for having collated and stapled the document.

In the concluding statement of his ruling, Scalia noted, “While the current president has held office for more than three years, the court agreed that the white majority had had enough of wondering if their president might be a Muslim or a possibly a socialist or maybe an Arab or a even a Kenyan or just plain un-American.  The court must conclude at times like these when enough is enough.  Hopefully, new voter ID laws being implemented by Republican governors throughout the nation will make the electoral process safer for the dwindling majority of Americans.”

McCain’s vice-presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, could not be reached for comment having already left Wasilla with her family to follow the annual moose migration to the high country near Atqasuk, Alaska.   Secret Service agents are currently holding off on making contact with Palin in case of being mistaken for food.

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