freshrant

Exquisitely Baked Satire
Zimmerman Forced To Shoot Black Toddler
temp
    (freshrant) BREAKING: George Zimmerman was briefly detained today for shooting a black male toddler attempting to flee in a stroller that Zimmerman claims concealed "a highly weaponized sidewalk." Zimmerman claims he yelled at the still unidentified male baby to stop threatening him with a long expanse of concrete.  The baby, who Zimmerman reported as "acting too big for his onesie," refused to stop. A recording of a neighbor's 9-1-1 call to Sanford police revealed what sounds in the background to be a baby crying.  But Zimmerman and the...

read more »

Paula Deen Named Zimmerman’s Chef
temp
(Special to Freshrant)  Sanford, FL   A source within the Zimmerman family compound has revealed that Paula Dean was hired last fall to "fatten up" Trayvon Martin's murderer while he was waiting trial to make him appear "more cuddly." "Yeah, she was really busy when we hired her," said the source, "but now she's full time back at the house cooking up a storm." The source revealed that the family agreed that there was "no one more likely to 'pork George up' more than Dean." "Unfortunately," the source...

read more »

George W Bush Global Paint-By-Numbers Initiative Announced
temp
(fresh from freshrant.com)  Not to be outdone by President Bill Clinton's Global Initiative addressing the world's most pressing challenges, George W. Bush has announced a bold plan to teach the world how to paint dogs. Arguably the world's most famous dog portraitist excitedly discussed his plans to implement a pilot program to teach elementary school children in the war-torn Republic of the Congo how to paint Scottish terriers. "You know, those youngsters might not never even seen a dog like Barney or Miss Beazley, but doggone it, now...

read more »