(fresh from freshrant.com)  Not to be outdone by President Bill Clinton's Global Initiative addressing the world's most pressing challenges, George W. Bush has announced a bold plan to teach the world how to paint dogs. Arguably the world's most famous dog portraitist excitedly discussed his plans to implement a pilot program to teach elementary school children in the war-torn Republic of the Congo how to paint Scottish terriers. "You know, those youngsters might not never even seen a dog like Barney or Miss Beazley, but doggone it, now...

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  (freshrant.com)  One of the thousands packed into St. Peter's Square at Pope Francis' inaugural mass could hardly contain his excitement, "We're really stoked!  My friends and I are into gay bashing, so we're feeling pretty freakin' awesome about the pope's strong anti-gay stance, so after communion, we're ready to kick some sorry faggot ass!" A woman attending the inauguration of the pope with her large family gushed, "We are absolutely ecstatic even though he doesn't want us to use any contraceptives and says we could go to...

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(Freshrant)  Upon news leaking the Vatican's hiring of NAMBLA, the controversial North American Man/Boy Love Association, a cardinal cloistered within the Vatican commented, "We just wanted to know what NAMBLA's secret was after learning they had scored higher in public favorability ratings than the Catholic Church.  After all, we love secrets, and wanted NAMBLA to tell us theirs.  Of course, once they tell us, we'll never tell." The cardinal, wearing a fake beard and red baseball cap, said he did not wish to be identified, continued, "We...

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